Vivian Shipley

          Martha Stewart’s Ten Commandments for Snow



         I.     Make the paths neat with a slight curve. Leave at

least an inch of snow. Aesthetics are important.


       II.     Pack perpendicular walls of snow. Cross country

                ski through them to the gym. Snowshoe to work.


      III.     Walk your dog. Always hang a little whisk broom

on your wrist. When you see yellow snow, remove it.     


     IV.     If you are old, stay in your own home if you have one.

Tie grosgrain ribbons on sheets. Wash the gold china.


       V.     It takes two hours to make a snow cave. If you don’t

hibernate balled in like a snake, an igloo takes three.


     VI.     You can sleep out at five below zero. It will be cozy.

Dream a little. Dye the iced walls with food coloring.


    VII.     Wrap yourself in layers of pastel tissue from Chanel.

If you are poor, newspaper, cardboard, just anything.


   VIII.     Hypothermia could set in. First signs are that you feel

weak or sleepy. Keep someone nearby, a bottle will do.


      IX.     The body is a furnace. Funnel or pour anything handy

into your mouth—86 calories per hour or 2,000 a day.


       X.     You may have problems walking on ice and fall down.

Don’t beg. In calligraphy, letter: Please Pick Me Up.




from When There is No Shore © 2002




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